Leading A Team As An Introverted Engineering Manager Is Possible And Effective
It’s not about changing – just finding your game.
As with most games, in tennis, you need to know the rules and the “systems” behind using the racket so the ball gets to the other side.
However, no matter how good you are, what the other side does in response remains a mystery until they finally send the ball back to your side, giving you maybe a second or two to respond and adapt.
This can be very challenging at first. Even if you master the theory, reaching the ball and making a smart move takes practice. You need to get used to the unpredictability of the game to be able to think past that.
As an introverted engineer, creating systems or following rules is easier, like playing alone against a wall. Even though sometimes the ball ricochets at the wrong angle, it’s usually because of something you did and can therefore undo.
But when you become an engineering manager (EM), you’re now playing with another person (many, in fact!), which makes things more unpredictable. Even when you adjust your stroke, that doesn’t mean the result will be the one you planned.
But, while there are more factors now outside your control than within, you can learn to prepare and handle them effectively. Just like tennis, this gets easier with practice.
A quick note about this post
Every section contains a link to a more detailed exploration of that section’s content. You can read each section in this post and come away with something valuable. But if you’d like more, you can find it through those links.
Handling one-on-ones
As an introvert, the less you can interact with your team, the better. However, managing requires getting information and building relationships. You can’t manage:
Someone you don’t know
Conflicts you don’t understand
And problems you’re not even aware of
One-on-one meetings solve these problems for you as an EM. They’re a superpower that allows you to create better systems, help your team, and understand workplace dynamics.
You can do this in general meetings as well, but you’d have to win your audience, and the environment wouldn’t feel as welcoming to people who don’t want to share in front of others.
As an introvert yourself, you especially understand that last point. So, get better at breaking the silence with your team and make one-on-ones your priority.
Leading team meetings
Regardless of how well you approach one-on-ones, you’ll still need to lead team meetings from time to time. Feeling anxious is normal, but there are some things you can do to make this task better:
Preparing beforehand: I can’t stress this enough – preparing ahead is one of the things that helps me the most. You can break the meeting down into its various parts and know ahead of time what to say. You can also control the meeting with important points and agenda items.
Bringing in the people who need to be there: Good team meetings have a reason for existing, and only a handful of people who need to talk about that reason. If you don’t know who should be in the meeting or what your reason is, don’t call the meeting.
Practice, practice, practice: Only time, experience, and effort “cure” your anxiety and make you a better communicator. Instead of giving it too much thought, get started so you can begin improving.
Giving feedback
Communicating better also means having hard conversations. One of the hardest for introverts (or anyone, really!) is, of course, giving constructive feedback.
Like with most things, though, it gets better the more you practice it. Besides time, here are some things you can do to make such a conversation easier:
Avoid the all-or-nothing approach: Don’t give people only constructive or positive feedback. Mix both to achieve a more comfortable balance for you and your team.
Focus on the right thing and say it the right way: Discuss the issue, not the person. Purposefully be aware of your tone, body language, and facial expressions – otherwise, your message might be received poorly, even if it’s a good one.
Manage defensiveness: If the conversation is escalating, reschedule the meeting and give everyone time to think. Doing the inner work to become aware of your triggers and taking care of yourself is also very important.
Appearing confident and authoritative
Appearing confident doesn’t mean being loud.
Some people believe confidence and authority come from being powerful and strong. And even though appearing strong is important, there are different kinds of strong.
Reflecting before talking, for example, shows you’re actually listening and the other person you’re in control of yourself and the meeting. And you didn’t have to be loud to do that.
Other things that can help you appear and truly become an authoritative, strong figure as an EM are:
Switching to written communication every time verbal communication gets out of control or too intense
Using AI and recording tools to review your meetings and learn from your mistakes (and celebrate your wins!)
And getting help from a coach or an experienced senior in your company – learning from other people’s mistakes is the best way to accelerate your journey and develop your skills
Communicating effectively with extroverts
Extroverts prefer talking more and being involved in the goings-on of things. Introverts, on the other hand, prefer talking as little as possible and are happy to be left alone.
Knowing this, it would be easy to think communicating with extroverts as an introvert would be an impossible task. Thankfully, it’s not.
In fact, introverts and extroverts work better together, and extroverts can add so much to your professional life. As with anything, strategies help, such as:
Putting the ball in your court by focusing more on async communication
Building in windows to respond to messages instead of being distracted all day
Keeping meetings on track and giving each person a limited amount of time to talk
And listening more than talking to make them feel understood and seen
Handling conflict and pushback
Sometimes, even with the best strategies and preparation, conversations go wrong and result in a conflict. But conflicts aren’t bad. In fact, they’re very useful – they can give you insights into what your team is feeling and thinking and how they react under pressure.
Pushback isn’t necessarily bad, either. If someone is pushing back because they have a different opinion, it can give you valuable information and shows you they care about their job.
To handle these situations, the best thing to do besides stopping the fight (no one feels good arguing alone) or preventing the pushback from turning into one is to work towards a solution together.
When there’s collaboration and open conversation, it’s hard to keep our walls up. Also, making someone feel respected and heard makes it almost impossible for them to have any hard feelings.
Handling feedback from your team
Without feedback, you don’t know whether or not your work as an EM is effective, and you’ll miss opportunities to grow as a manager and leader. It doesn’t make getting feedback any less hard, though.
That’s why creating a supportive environment for you and your team is worth it. Make sure they are comfortable sharing their honest thoughts and do the inner work to be able to handle everything they say.
More specifically, take these steps:
Schedule feedback sessions in advance and at regular intervals: This way, no one has to give you an immediate answer.
Ask questions about the process (not yourself): It’s not about you anyway – it’s about your work. Detaching yourself from the process helps you not take things personally.
Share your thoughts on how you’re doing: Admitting your own weaknesses shows others you are open to having that conversation.
And, most importantly, don’t react poorly: If your team gives you constructive feedback and you lash out, no one will want to give you feedback in the future.
Lastly, remember feedback isn’t a reflection of your value, so separate it from your self-worth.
The short version: it’s possible and necessary
Working with your team as an introverted EM has its challenges, but just as you learned to code before, so, too, can you learn the skills you need to make your job pleasant and fruitful.
Some of the skills and situations you’ll now have to learn and manage are:
Handling one-on-ones: They’re fundamental for you to know your team and to get the information you need as their manager.
Leading team meetings: Meetings are needed for a reason – they speed up decisions and connect the team. Getting comfortable leading and preparing them is essential as an EM.
Giving feedback: There’s no growth without feedback, and your team will need your help and unique perspective to become better.
Appearing confident and authoritative: Saying the right things in the wrong way will make people think you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Communicating effectively with extroverts: Extroverts add a lot to teams, but as our opposites, it can be hard at first to understand and talk to them. So, take the time to make them feel seen and heard, but give yourself some grace by increasing how much of your conversations with them are async.
Handling conflict and pushback: Different opinions are healthy, and conflict is natural amongst teams of humans. So, learn how to get the most out of both.
Handling feedback from your team: Being able to digest your emotions and learn from your team without your ego interfering will speed your growth as an EM and person.
Ultimately, working with your team as an introverted EM will be difficult whether you’re managing introverts, extroverts, ambiverts, or some combination of the three. The important thing to know is that you can. And once you start learning how, you will.
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