What I Wish I Knew Before Becoming An Engineering Manager

Because the toughest parts aren’t in the code.

Oct 06, 2025

A person sat at a desk with an overwhelming amount of post-its in front of them.

I often get asked what it’s like to be an engineering manager (EM). What do I actually do, or how do I cope with the heavy load of demands?

And I get why they ask. I am usually very busy, and some people are just not familiar with the role. From the outside, engineering management looks like:

Nonstop meetings
Constant fires to put out
Managing your team and managing “up”
And Slack notifications blinking all the time like a Christmas tree

In short, it looks like absolute chaos.

But the truth is, I like chaos – to some degree. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be doing this. That doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Here’s the thing, engineering management is like skateboarding. If you love to skate, you have to accept that falling is part of the deal.

Over time, I’ve learned there are a few challenges you never escape – you just get better at handling them.

Here are five things I wish I knew before becoming an EM.

1 - The constant overwhelm

If engineering management had a formula, overwhelm would be a constant.

Every morning, I try to have some focus time. I block my calendar and tell myself I won’t get sucked into distractions. Rarely does it work, but now I laugh about it.

By mid-morning:

I’m already being pulled into ad hoc meetings
Someone needs an urgent decision
A project is going off the rails
Or a team member is stuck

I don’t do everything myself, though. I delegate and set priorities. However, no matter how much I try to stay ahead, engineering management is about juggling a hundred different things at once.

It can be frustrating, but it’s also what makes it interesting.

I’ve learned that the feeling of being overwhelmed doesn’t go away. You just get better at handling it. Think about it like weightlifting. The more you lift, the stronger you get. But the weight never feels lighter – you just adapt to heavier loads.

The same thing happens in engineering management. At first, the volume of responsibilities feels impossible. But over time, you learn the balance.

2 - The communication overload

Communication is relentless:

The Slack messages
The meetings
The constant back-and-forth to keep track of
- Decisions
- Action items
- And who’s responsible for what

Sometimes, it feels like trying to have a conversation in a crowded bar. Someone asks a question, but before you can answer, five other voices chime in. Then messages get lost, decisions get made, and then forgotten. And the same discussions happen over and over again!

I get it – communication is essential. But when you spend more time managing conversations than doing actual work, something needs to change.

At first, I felt like I was drowning in noise. But over time, I’ve found ways to carve out more space – and silence. I use tools to streamline communication and automate as much as I can. I push for documentation that sticks. I encourage async updates over endless status meetings. Nothing is perfect – but it helps.

3 - The weight of every decision

Being in a permanent state of decision-making – I don’t think anyone likes this one. I know I don’t!

Every day, I make choices that impact my team, our projects, and the company. Some are “small”, for example:

Prioritizing a bug fix over a feature request
Being able to tell if a person needs more guidance or more autonomy
And deciding whether to step in or let the team figure something out

Others just feel massive:

Fighting for more resources or accepting the constraints
Knowing if a person is struggling or if it’s time to have a hard conversation about performance
And distinguishing between technical debt and necessary trade-off work

And you rarely have perfect information. You make judgment calls based on what you know, what your team tells you, and what experience has taught you.

Sometimes, you get it right. Sometimes, you don’t. And when you don’t, the consequences are on you.

That weight never fully goes away. But over time, you learn to trust your instincts, your team, and your ability to course-correct when needed. Because, in the end, engineering management is about making the best decisions you can with the information you have – and owning them.

4 - The human complexity

Would I change the culture of engineering management itself? Not really.

If engineers could just sit down, do their work, and have everything magically align, maybe we wouldn’t need managers at all. But the truth is, humans aren’t machines. We have different priorities, working styles, energy levels, and perspectives. That isn’t a flaw – it’s what makes teams powerful and also what makes managing them so challenging.

Engineers love getting lost in their tasks, which is great. But if five people are only focused on their own thing, they risk not seeing the bigger picture.

That’s my job as an EM: to bring it all together.

Human nature is why the job is rarely predictable. It’s why we sometimes run into conflict, misalignment, or bottlenecks. But it’s also why this job matters. And I’m not above it – I get stuck, too. The work isn’t about fixing people. It’s about understanding them.

5 - The emotional core

There’s an emotional side to this job that is rarely acknowledged. People assume engineering management is all about technical decisions – architecture choices, deadlines, product roadmaps. But that’s only part of it.

Engineering management is about people. And people come with:

Emotions
Conflicts
Frustration
And blockers

As a manager, you also deal with feelings, personalities, expectations, and stress levels. Sometimes, that means helping a team member through a tough day. Other times, it means mediating between engineers who disagree.

There are days when you have to push someone beyond their comfort zone, even when they resist, because you know they’re capable of more. And there are days when you need to protect someone from themselves, stepping in before they overwork or spiral into frustration.

It’s mentally draining, and you don’t always get it right. But it’s also the part of the job that matters the most.

How I’ve learned to cope with the tough parts

Over time, I’ve developed some rules for dealing with the things I dislike about engineering management:

I accept that I’ll never get everything done: There will always be more tasks than time. That’s the nature of the job. Instead of trying to clear my to-do list, I focus on making sure the most important things get done.
I protect my deep work time: Although my calendar gets wrecked at times, I still fight for focus time. I set blocks on my calendar, even if I know they’ll get interrupted. Some days, I win the battle!
I let go of perfectionism: I used to stress over every small detail. Now, I’ve learned that good enough is often good enough. Perfect is the enemy of progress.
I build systems that reduce noise: I automate what I can. I set up documentation to minimize back-and-forth questions. I encourage async communication over meetings.

And above all, I remember why I do this job. It’s not about clearing Slack messages or surviving meetings. It’s about helping my engineers do great work. That’s what makes it worth it.

The short version: the overwhelm is worth it

Being an EM can feel like running on a treadmill that speeds up just when you think you’ve found your rhythm. It’s a job filled with:

An overwhelming workload
Intense communication overload
Constant decision-making
The human variable
And emotional labor

Yet, I wouldn’t change it.

Yes, the chaos can be frustrating. But over time, you learn to adapt. You get better at handling the stress, setting priorities, and trusting your team.

The job doesn’t get easier, but you get better at it. You learn to:

Let go of perfectionism
Focus on what truly matters
And accept that some fires can burn a little longer

At the end of the day, it’s about creating an environment where your engineers can do their best work. And despite everything, that’s what makes it worth it.